Sunday, March 17, 2013

Letting Go

Oddly enough, this post has been rather difficult to write, sitting here in my drafts for months. Letting go can take so much more work then we think it will.  Here's the back story.

I was pretty busy this last summer. My dear Brother was kind enough to give me a job until I can get my own thing going. Basically, I've been picking up other peoples trash. We find piles of refuse, like the one pictured above, then we find what's valuable and take it to be recycled. Our official title is that of Scrapper, and we've been practicing our "Trade" in Nevada mostly.

If you turn 90 degrees to the left from the above pile of garbage you can see the beautiful Ruby Mountains. There is in fact, a lot of beautiful landscapes in Nevada and it's what's kept me sane as we travel down our never ending roads to nowhere. Unfortunately and fortunately (for it's been my bread and butter) there are also a lot of junk piles. They really do mess up the view. These old homesteads have generations upon generations of pile up. Sometimes we find cool antiques, but mostly it's moldering crap that's just an eyesore.

Usually we are called in by the children that have been left this unsightly legacy, but on one particular job it was the Parents. My Brother and I were summoned by the Mother to come and clear it away. Her children held onto every little bit of this and that, until her property was covered in junk. Now I am pro "keep it if it's useful", but I will only keep if it I'll use it. I don't keep if for keeping it's sake. These grown up children of hers didn't want to part with anything, no matter how rusty or useless. It was ridiculous behavior for fully grown adult men. Quite literally the worst hoarding case I'd ever seen, and I've watched Hoarding Buried Alive plenty.

So it got me thinking, what is it that I hold onto? Here is the difficult part and why the post sat waiting to be written. What do I need so desperately that I can't let it go? Well, it isn't stuff. I purge my closets and rooms every chance I get.

Then one day I was getting my long luscious hair trimmed at the salon and they had a quote by Steve McQueen on the wall (I totally love him btw, tough guys,Yowza!). It said "The lighter you live, the further you'll go". It dawned on me as I was talking to my hairdresser about how gorgeous my hair is, that this is what I couldn't let go. My appearance, my Hair especially.

Of course...I had to prove to myself that I could.
It wasn't just a spur of the moment thing. I made an educated decision. 
These are my reasons..... for all of you who have been shaking your heads mournfully saying "why oh why".
1. I wanted to go back to my natural color. 2. I wanted to save the money I spent each month touching up my roots (maybe save for a trip or something). 3. I wanted to see if my self esteem was based on what I look like.

I've had my hair short for almost two months now and the above reasons have been proven. Yes, my natural color is there. Very salt and pepper, I am almost 40 after all. Yes, I am saving money and it's rather nice not to have to touch up every month. Yes, my self esteem has taken a bit of a blow. I had a very dramatic look and so I got noticed. I knew that men were looking because I was looking for them to look (cause I knew they would). Make sense?
Now? Well to be honest, I've realized that when I go out I'm not looking any more. I'm not making eye contact or smiling like I used to. I am just assuming no one is noticing me. It's a complete change in attitude on my part and it brings up even  more questions (like, am I basing how I feel about myself on what men think?). My hair wasn't my self esteem, but it was my sex appeal. That needs to change. I need to know (in my inner soul) that I've got it no matter what I look like. I am talented, capable, and I am still beautiful, I just don't have any hair at the moment. This little experiment of mine has become much more then I thought it would be. Letting go of my hair was the easy part. I shaved my head myself and didn't even cry, so I thought it wouldn't matter so much. It turns out it does though. What else do I need to let go of? What else can I let go of? What other junk is cluttering up the landscape of my soul? What ever it is, when I get rid of it; I'll be lighter, happier, and more at peace with myself.